Proper Usage of Exclamation Points for People with Mood Disorders
An exclamation is a sharp or sudden utterance, particularly when expressing surprise, pain, mental anguish or despair. An exclamation is punctuated by an exclamation point.
Whoa! Ouch! Ugh!
Use an exclamation point when warning of imminent danger or a potentially horrific and public death or dismemberment.
Look out for that bus!
When confusing actual danger with paranoia, use a period.
Everyone wants to hurt me.
When the voices in your head are yelling, use an exclamation point.
You’re no good and you’ll never amount to anything no matter how much rebirthing therapy you get!
Woeful complaining gets a period.
These new meds have kidnapped my libido, dragged it into the desert and left it there to shrivel up like a raisin.
Denial is best punctuated by a period.
Absinthe is an FDA-approved medication for bi-polar disorder.
Use a period when expressing remorse or shame after meaningless sex with someone you met in aisle six of Walgreens.
I feel dirty.
If the meaningless sex was unprotected and/or unsatisfying, use an exclamation point to punctuate self-admonishment.
You whore!
If expression of regret follows, and can stand alone as a complete sentence, punctuate it with a period.
That was a stupid and desperate stab at intimacy.
When pairing a self-denigrating exclamation with a question, put the exclamation point before the question mark.
When will I ever learn!?
Or after.
Why didn’t you get her number, you idiot?!
False rationalization for a loss of interest in activities you once found pleasurable, such as building birdhouses, playing mahjong and masturbating, rarely requires an exclamation point.
In Boy Scouts they told us self-gratification is ungodly.
When lacking energy or motivation to get out of bed for week-long stretches, dishonest self-justification is punctuated with a period.
I should empty this bedpan, but I don’t want to wake my roommate.
Family, and friends, if you have any, will almost always use exclamation points.
Empty the goddamn bedpan!
The use of a period is appropriate when politely dismissing a friend or family member’s concern for your reclusive habits and poor hygiene.
I happen to like the way I smell.
Multiple exclamation points may be used in response to a friend’s or relative’s use of words and phrases such as “increased dosage,” “electroconvulsive” and “I’m concerned about your safety.”
You’re not my fucking shrink!!!
Use a period when mumbling fatalistic negative self-talk.
My life is a steaming pile of turds and it will never get better—ever.
Use a question mark when negative self-talk is rhetorical.
Would anyone really miss me if I drank this two-liter bottle of Liquid Plumr?