I think it’s your low energy levels. Sixty-five million years ago you killed the dinosaurs—and nearly everything else on the planet—because you fell asleep at your workstation.

It was the double dose of Nyquil I had for breakfast. And I didn’t kill them, an asteroid did.

You mean a meteor.

Asteroid, meteor, whatever. It wasn’t my fault.

We’re holding a mesospheric management seminar after work on Tuesday. You should attend.

Is it paid?

No. But it’s catered.

I have an AA meeting. But I might be willing to skip it if there’s an open bar.

The stories have everything an American boy would want to read: savage violence described in graphic detail, despicable villains, lustful, exotic women and stew made from squirrels and freshly killed monkeys.

Woeful complaining gets a period.

These new meds have kidnapped my libido, dragged it into the desert and left it there to shrivel up like a raisin.

Denial is best punctuated by a period.

Absinthe is an FDA-approved medication for bi-polar disorder.

Explosive diarrhea, at least in my experience, ends up in the toilet, or in your pants. Not on the wall. It may make a mess of the toilet bowl or your underwear, or both, but at least they’re on the playing field.

I’m sure my parents were mortified by what Jimmy’s parents must have thought of them. On the other hand, Jimmy’s parents knew their son well enough to expect some blood puddles now and then.

My inability to orally expel my gastrointestinal contents was a mystery. Until I was nineteen I was pretty good at it, especially when alcohol was involved. During what I refer to as my “Glory Year”, August 1983 to August 1984, I vomited four times in three states from alcohol alone.

He wasn’t worried about the location of his testicles or how often people shit in Zurich. And he never asked himself “What’s wrong with me?”

There were to be no jobs that required me to wear a uniform or name tag. Attaching something to my belt, like a collection of keys, a pager or bear spray, was a non-starter, as was a button that said “Lose weight. Ask me how”. Help wanted ads containing words or phrases such as science, math, skill, working knowledge, desire or highly motivated got an immediate pass.